True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
