isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
