He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Your dad touched me again.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize