I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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