I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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