Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
