Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I have aggressive nipples.
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