Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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