hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
