He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Ladies don't puke and tell
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
