If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it glows. i had to have it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
40s are totally the cure
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize