considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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