I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
