i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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