I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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