I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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