are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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