Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
