i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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