Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
