I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
