All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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