Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The best revenge is premature balding
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
