ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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