I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
