Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
