Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
