look no pants
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
