you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
