we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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