I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
