yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
