Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize