Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
