I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
