Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
