Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So much rum. So many feels.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
and you fell through a lawn chair
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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