i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
