apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
