Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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