I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
