Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
