You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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