I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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