Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize