in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize