My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
