You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
