Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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