ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize