Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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