I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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