the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
