WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
sarcasm needs its own font
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
