Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
