Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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