Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
this boner is exhausting
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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